"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
