Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
