I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
