hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
