The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
