So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
