i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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