Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
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