I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
where are you?
Hypothermia
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
