i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
