In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
