This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
