I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
