I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
