life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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