i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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