Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
