I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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