he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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