I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
