I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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