Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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