9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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