im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
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