dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
