She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
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