He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
