Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Randomize
