I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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