Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
In America we eat man semen.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
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