I can text with my tongue
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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