apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
