I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
