I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
