Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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