My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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