he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize