So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
