you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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