She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
