the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize