now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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