Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize