Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
