Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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