I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
