The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
