Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
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