Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
