this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
