Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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