so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
