This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
