I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize