and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
