If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
